Awakening Grace

Maybe You’re Not Resisting God. Maybe You’re Just Trying to Find Your Identity

There’s this fear that creeps in sometimes.

The fear that says,
“If I was really a good Christian, I’d be reading my Bible every day. I’d be praying more. I’d be doing better.”

And if you’re anything like me, that fear doesn’t motivate you.
It drains you.
It makes you want to give up before you even start.

I recently imagined sitting across from someone I love,  someone who might ask me if I’ve been praying, reading the Word, or keeping up with my walk. And I realized something: I haven’t. Not like I “should.”

But deeper than that, I realized something even more painful.
It’s not that I don’t want to be close to God.

It’s that I’m terrified of reinforcing the lie that closeness depends on how well I perform.

Because if I read the Bible just to feel better about myself…
If I pray just to keep others from questioning me…
If I try to “act right” just to be accepted…
Then I’ve rebuilt the very system Jesus came to tear down.


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This Isn’t Rebellion.  It’s a Cry for Real Love

Let me be clear:
This isn’t about making excuses for sin or laziness.
This is about what drives us.

Some people aren’t running from God because they hate Him.
They’re running from a version of Him that was used to control them.
A version that said, “God loves you… if.”

“But God demonstrates His own love toward us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)
“We love because He first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)

God’s love comes before our performance.
If it didn’t, it wouldn’t be love. It would be reward.

He loved me before I read my Bible.
Before I prayed the right prayers.
Before I ever said yes.

That truth doesn’t push me away from God.
It makes me want to get as close as I possibly can.


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When Performance Becomes Identity

For those of us raised in religious environments, performance was the price of acceptance.
You were “good” if you followed the rules.
You were spiritual if you conformed.
You were loved if you behaved.

But in the Kingdom of God, it’s the opposite:

Identity comes before behavior.
You don’t act like a son to become one.
You act like a son because you already are one.

“You are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:26)
“The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.” (Romans 8:16)

That’s what makes the Gospel so freeing, and so offensive to religion.


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But Don’t We Still Have to Read and Pray?

Yes. Absolutely.
But not to prove something. Not to earn something. Not to become something.

We read the Bible to hear our Father’s voice.
We pray because we’re already loved.  not to be loved.

But when your entire experience with God has been filtered through performance, even good things can feel like chains.

Sometimes, what looks like resistance to God is really resistance to a lie:
“God only accepts you when you behave.”

If that’s the God you were handed, no wonder you struggle to engage.
Because deep down, you know something’s off.


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God’s Discipline Isn’t Shame,  It’s Love.

Yes, God disciplines His children. But His discipline doesn’t come through guilt trips or checklists.
It comes through relationship.

“The grace of God… teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives.” (Titus 2:11–12)
“His kindness is intended to lead you to repentance.” (Romans 2:4)

He disciplines us like a loving Father who is training sons and daughters to walk in freedom, not scolding soldiers into better performance.


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So What’s the Real Issue?

You don’t need another checklist.
You don’t need more guilt.
You need to know who you are.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live… I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20)
“God made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.” (2 Corinthians 5:21)

You were never meant to live for identity.
You were meant to live from it.

You’re not what you feel.
You’re not what you’ve done.
You’re not how much you’ve read or how well you’ve prayed.

You are who He says you are.

And when that truth becomes real, it changes everything.
Discipline becomes desire.
Obedience becomes overflow.
Holiness becomes joy, not pressure.


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Maybe You’re Not Resisting God at All

Maybe you’re resisting the lie that says you have to climb your way to Him.
Maybe what you’re really longing for isn’t distance…  it’s rest.

“Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

You were never meant to follow Jesus just to prove something.
You were meant to walk with Him because you belong.

So if you’ve struggled to pick up your Bible…
If prayer feels like a performance…
If worship feels like pressure…

Maybe you don’t need to “try harder.”
Maybe you need to be reminded of who you are.

You’re a child.
You’re clean.
You’re loved.
Right now.

That’s the starting point.
And from that place, everything else flows.